Mental Check
Always interesting to note one’s reactions to others. They aren’t really doing anything other than fumbling through this world the same as me. Doing the best they can with what they have. But ignorant, self absorbed, narcissistic people twang me beyond belief. Like what I’ve just said- I’m totally just observing that. Can’t be sure that’s what that person is or isn’t. But I attribute it to them none the less, in very short order I might add. Just interesting to note how people make you react mentally. I made some really harsh judgements pretty fast. And it mostly happens with “good looking” people. This woman in particular really upset me. I just wanted to yell at her TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE. We were in the middle of an informational session. She was in the audience. White, blond, skinny, yoga pants wearing, oblivious woman. Wow she irked me. I thought every question she asked was stupid. I thought she was stupid. This is my reaction to her.
Now homeless people… that’s a new one to interact with everyday in a more personal setting. Fear. that’s what I feel there. Fear. I just don’t know what to do. I’m curious, but I also don’t want to get involved at all. I’m afraid they’ll start talking to me. I’ll be compelled to be nice, and then I’ll be uncomfortable. Because chances are they want something of me. And although I’m good at denying goods and services- general conversation? I can’t be rude and I have a hard time denying conversation. So then I’m trapped in this odd conversation where I have to deny them goods and services, continue to be polite and empathetic. I let a crack head hug me the other day, and give me a stolen flower. SUCH an odd feeling. But the conversation I couldn’t deny. I was at an intersection waiting for the “walk” guy. I’m sure I took my earphones out to listen to her. She was obviously junkied out. She looked like hell. I let this woman hug me. I didn’t enjoy it. It was difficult to see a person so out of it and depressed. I mean, you’re high, because you’re escaping how shitty you feel your life is. That’s fucking depressing. And, not any less depressing than seeing people sleeping on the street. Something I see everyday that I live here in SF. It’s fucking heartbreaking. There’s a line between empathy and pity. I’m working on not being disgusted by homeless people. That’s another fear. That they’re dirty, and they are. Oh and the mental illness. i worry a lot about that. Like they’ll just be crazy on me for no other reason than being seriously mentally ill. And why they’re m.i.? Could be that they were before and ended up on the streets because of it, or that being on the streets made them crazy.
Still just checking my reactions, glad I’m noticing them. Regardless of what they are. It’s a place to start.
